Before I get to sharing my story, here are a few things I want to preface this post with:
1. This post will
be LONG...I want to get it all out there.
2. This post may
jump all over the place...thank you for sticking with me on it.
3. This post was
written in one sitting, with no edits, so I apologize if my grammar, etc. is
off. I felt the best way to write my story was as if I was actually
talking to you about it..
So, here we
go.....
I've wanted to
write this post for a while now, but kept putting it off. I am not a
super private person {I mean, I have a blog, come on now} but my infertility is
something I have only shared in depth with a handful of people.
This week {April
22- 28} is National Infertility Awareness Week. I stumbled up
the Resolve website a few weeks ago and knew
this would be the week to woman up and write this post.
I guess my
infertility problems started back when I was in High School. By 16, I had
only had my period a handful of times, which was strange to me because all my
friends had their periods like clockwork. My doctor at the time looked me
over, ran tests and told me I was a normal teenage girl, and the sometimes,
when girls are very active {I played school soccer and league soccer from ages
6-19} they don’t menstruate normally. That said, she did put me on birth
control in order to regulate my periods.
Skip ahead 9
years. I was a newly married 25 year old woman. I
wasn't crazy about having kids that young {yes, that was young to
me}, but knew that both Gary & I DID want kids within the next year or 2,
so I got off my birth control since I had read that it could take up to 6
months after that to get pregnant. 6 months passed and nothing happened.
Around that time, my mom gave me an article from one of her magazines
about an endocrine condition called Polycystic
Ovarian Syndrome {PCOS}. I read it and my gut told me that was what I
had. So I made an appt. with my doctor. We talked, she ran tests,
did an ultrasound and told me that there was nothing wrong with me, and to keep
trying. "If you relax, you'll get pregnant." Ummm....6 months
after THAT I went to another doctor, who ran the same tests and told me the
same thing. Do you know how HARD it is to relax when someone tells you to
just relax?!?!
It was so
frustrating....I KNEW something was wrong with my body, but nobody could
tell me what it exactly was.
That next January
{I was 26 1/2 at the time} Gary & I had to change insurances. It took
me a few months to even make an appt. with my new doctor because I was afraid
she'd tell me to "just relax." Instead, she sat with me for 45
minutes, going over my whole history. Within minutes of sharing my story
with her, she told me that a 20-something year old woman who was NOT on birth
control and sexually active on a regular basis who was not
getting pregnant is not okay. And shame on my other doctors for
not looking deeper. I kid you not, I sat there crying. Finally
there was a doctor who didn't think I was overreacting.
After some tests,
she called to tell me I had PCOS {thanks Dr. Mom for that article years ago}.
Within a few
weeks, she had me on Metformin and taking Clomid to up my chances of pregnancy.
Every month or so, she upped my dose. I was charting my temperature
every morning and keeping track of everything that could help us in the
fertility department. Still nothing.
This time was
really stressful for Gary & I. Infertility treatments are NOT cheap.
Even with just the Metformin & Clomid, we had to pay about $250 a
month out of pocket for each round of ultrasounds {Clomid ups your chance of
getting cysts on the ovaries}. A few times, we had to not do treatments
because there were cysts on my ovaries. My doctor worked with me to make
this process as inexpensive as possible, but there's only so much wiggle room.
This was also during a time when Gary & I were taking HUGE pay cuts
at work and Gary's trusty Honda died, so we had to buy a used vehicle.
Money was tight to say the least.
But we made it
work...because we had to.
It was a few
months later when our lives went from bad to worse. Gary's dad was diagnosed
with Esophageal cancer. Within 3 and a half months, Gary's dad
passed. It was like the ground opened up and swallowed Gary
whole. He was dealing with the grief of losing a father and not being
able to have a family. I was just trying to keep Gary functioning
while feeling beyond guilty that my body wouldn't give him the child he
deserved. It was a dark, depressing place for both of us.
After a few more
months, my doctor suggested I get a Hysterosalpingogram,
which is an x-ray of the fallopian tubes. What nobody tells you is that
it hurts like hell. I have NEVER been in that much pain before. It
was like someone was cutting up my insides with a machete. Times a
million. As soon as Gary got me in the car, I told him I am never going
to go through that procedure again. The "good" news was that my
tubes were clear and that it supposedly upped my chances of getting pregnant
the next month. My doctor thought since the odds may be higher, we could
start HCG shots.
So in addition to
the Metformin, and Clomid {not to forget the Provera that I needed to take to
START my cycle}, I was now getting HCG shots in my upper ass. Oh joy.
Round 1 - No luck. Round 2 - No luck. Round 3....there was no
round 3.
Between the time
of Round 2 &3 Gary and I had a major talk. We were both tired of
trying. Sex was no longer something we enjoyed because the past 2 years
it could only be had on certain days at certain times, certain positions,
etc. Gary was still trying to heal from his father's passing. We
were having a hell of a time affording treatments anymore {which led to more
stress}. We had both gained weight from the stress in our lives. We
were just NOT in a good place anymore, individually or as a couple.
After 2+ years of
trying, we were done.
And, secretly, I
was thrilled. I've never felt as emotional and physically drained as I
did those years of trying. I had lost my spirit, my humor, my love of
life. I had become one of those women obsessed with having a baby.
Slowly, I became
the woman I had been before and Gary & I went back to being the couple we used to be, but closer, because of all the crap we'd been through.
Fast forward to
today...I'm now 31 and still childless. 99% of the time I am okay with
this. 1% of me still feels shame that my body can't do what it is supposed
to do naturally. But I don't dwell on it.
We have an awesome
Godson, and a few other kids in our life that we try to spoil the heck out of
{then we get to give them back}!!
Gary is going back
to school the next few years, so we've kept with our decision to NOT try for
children. We've had many discussions about our options over the past few
years. Some ideas have included adoption or surrogacy. Right now
the idea we've been toying with is choosing to remain childless, but it took a
long time to even get to the point of talking about it. For years I felt
that maybe I wasn't enough for Gary - that we needed kids to continue growing
our relationship. I now see that this is soooo far from the truth.
I'm not sure what
the future will hold for Gary & I when it comes to children.
What I do
know is that no matter what happens, Gary & I will take that journey
together.
****for more information about infertility, please go to this link. Resolve is a GREAT website with a ton of information!***
