Before I get to sharing my story, here are a few things I want to preface this post with:
1. This post will
be LONG...I want to get it all out there.
2. This post may
jump all over the place...thank you for sticking with me on it.
3. This post was
written in one sitting, with no edits, so I apologize if my grammar, etc. is
off. I felt the best way to write my story was as if I was actually
talking to you about it..
So, here we
go.....
I've wanted to
write this post for a while now, but kept putting it off. I am not a
super private person {I mean, I have a blog, come on now} but my infertility is
something I have only shared in depth with a handful of people.
This week {April
22- 28} is National Infertility Awareness Week. I stumbled up
the Resolve website a few weeks ago and knew
this would be the week to woman up and write this post.
I guess my
infertility problems started back when I was in High School. By 16, I had
only had my period a handful of times, which was strange to me because all my
friends had their periods like clockwork. My doctor at the time looked me
over, ran tests and told me I was a normal teenage girl, and the sometimes,
when girls are very active {I played school soccer and league soccer from ages
6-19} they don’t menstruate normally. That said, she did put me on birth
control in order to regulate my periods.
Skip ahead 9
years. I was a newly married 25 year old woman. I
wasn't crazy about having kids that young {yes, that was young to
me}, but knew that both Gary & I DID want kids within the next year or 2,
so I got off my birth control since I had read that it could take up to 6
months after that to get pregnant. 6 months passed and nothing happened.
Around that time, my mom gave me an article from one of her magazines
about an endocrine condition called Polycystic
Ovarian Syndrome {PCOS}. I read it and my gut told me that was what I
had. So I made an appt. with my doctor. We talked, she ran tests,
did an ultrasound and told me that there was nothing wrong with me, and to keep
trying. "If you relax, you'll get pregnant." Ummm....6 months
after THAT I went to another doctor, who ran the same tests and told me the
same thing. Do you know how HARD it is to relax when someone tells you to
just relax?!?!
It was so
frustrating....I KNEW something was wrong with my body, but nobody could
tell me what it exactly was.
That next January
{I was 26 1/2 at the time} Gary & I had to change insurances. It took
me a few months to even make an appt. with my new doctor because I was afraid
she'd tell me to "just relax." Instead, she sat with me for 45
minutes, going over my whole history. Within minutes of sharing my story
with her, she told me that a 20-something year old woman who was NOT on birth
control and sexually active on a regular basis who was not
getting pregnant is not okay. And shame on my other doctors for
not looking deeper. I kid you not, I sat there crying. Finally
there was a doctor who didn't think I was overreacting.
After some tests,
she called to tell me I had PCOS {thanks Dr. Mom for that article years ago}.
Within a few
weeks, she had me on Metformin and taking Clomid to up my chances of pregnancy.
Every month or so, she upped my dose. I was charting my temperature
every morning and keeping track of everything that could help us in the
fertility department. Still nothing.
This time was
really stressful for Gary & I. Infertility treatments are NOT cheap.
Even with just the Metformin & Clomid, we had to pay about $250 a
month out of pocket for each round of ultrasounds {Clomid ups your chance of
getting cysts on the ovaries}. A few times, we had to not do treatments
because there were cysts on my ovaries. My doctor worked with me to make
this process as inexpensive as possible, but there's only so much wiggle room.
This was also during a time when Gary & I were taking HUGE pay cuts
at work and Gary's trusty Honda died, so we had to buy a used vehicle.
Money was tight to say the least.
But we made it
work...because we had to.
It was a few
months later when our lives went from bad to worse. Gary's dad was diagnosed
with Esophageal cancer. Within 3 and a half months, Gary's dad
passed. It was like the ground opened up and swallowed Gary
whole. He was dealing with the grief of losing a father and not being
able to have a family. I was just trying to keep Gary functioning
while feeling beyond guilty that my body wouldn't give him the child he
deserved. It was a dark, depressing place for both of us.
After a few more
months, my doctor suggested I get a Hysterosalpingogram,
which is an x-ray of the fallopian tubes. What nobody tells you is that
it hurts like hell. I have NEVER been in that much pain before. It
was like someone was cutting up my insides with a machete. Times a
million. As soon as Gary got me in the car, I told him I am never going
to go through that procedure again. The "good" news was that my
tubes were clear and that it supposedly upped my chances of getting pregnant
the next month. My doctor thought since the odds may be higher, we could
start HCG shots.
So in addition to
the Metformin, and Clomid {not to forget the Provera that I needed to take to
START my cycle}, I was now getting HCG shots in my upper ass. Oh joy.
Round 1 - No luck. Round 2 - No luck. Round 3....there was no
round 3.
Between the time
of Round 2 &3 Gary and I had a major talk. We were both tired of
trying. Sex was no longer something we enjoyed because the past 2 years
it could only be had on certain days at certain times, certain positions,
etc. Gary was still trying to heal from his father's passing. We
were having a hell of a time affording treatments anymore {which led to more
stress}. We had both gained weight from the stress in our lives. We
were just NOT in a good place anymore, individually or as a couple.
After 2+ years of
trying, we were done.
And, secretly, I
was thrilled. I've never felt as emotional and physically drained as I
did those years of trying. I had lost my spirit, my humor, my love of
life. I had become one of those women obsessed with having a baby.
Slowly, I became
the woman I had been before and Gary & I went back to being the couple we used to be, but closer, because of all the crap we'd been through.
Fast forward to
today...I'm now 31 and still childless. 99% of the time I am okay with
this. 1% of me still feels shame that my body can't do what it is supposed
to do naturally. But I don't dwell on it.
We have an awesome
Godson, and a few other kids in our life that we try to spoil the heck out of
{then we get to give them back}!!
Gary is going back
to school the next few years, so we've kept with our decision to NOT try for
children. We've had many discussions about our options over the past few
years. Some ideas have included adoption or surrogacy. Right now
the idea we've been toying with is choosing to remain childless, but it took a
long time to even get to the point of talking about it. For years I felt
that maybe I wasn't enough for Gary - that we needed kids to continue growing
our relationship. I now see that this is soooo far from the truth.
I'm not sure what
the future will hold for Gary & I when it comes to children.
What I do
know is that no matter what happens, Gary & I will take that journey
together.
****for more information about infertility, please go to this link. Resolve is a GREAT website with a ton of information!***
****for more information about infertility, please go to this link. Resolve is a GREAT website with a ton of information!***
thanks for sharing your story! glad to hear you guys have built such a strong relationship.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading my story! :)
DeleteI really appreciate your honesty and openness about this sensitive topic. I'm not married or ready to reproduce yet, but I am already nervous about how the process will go! I think you are incredibly strong for enduring all this, and I hope your marriage will continue to strengthen because of it. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Halley!
DeleteAwwwww! I'm so sorry. Your story seriously brought me to tears. I don't even know what to say, except you are an amazing person for being strong enough to put this out there.
ReplyDeleteDon't cry, Julie!! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story.
DeleteWhat an amazing post. I am so proud of you for opening up and telling you story. You are inspirational, and so strong for having gone through all of this!
ReplyDeleteThank you! We all deal with crappy stuff in our life and this is just one of those things for me. But it HAS made me stronger. :)
DeleteMo, thank you for sharing...I know it's hard to open up like that, but I think it's so healthy for women (me included) to know that it's not always as easy as so many people make it seem. It's real life. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteAnd thank you for reading! It was very hard to hit "publish" on this post, but I am so glad I did. You are right. Not everyone gets pregant on the first try...it's almost taboo to talk about infertility.
DeleteThank you for sharing this with us. I understand where you are coming from. We have a very similar problem with similar results. I am 34 years old and we've been married for 9 years. We have tried many fertility treatments including in-vitro fertilization that was a fail. We have also used so much money with negative results. We are done with it all.
ReplyDeleteLike you, we have also made a decision to be childless. If you ever need anyone to talk to, just let me know. :)
Wow....thank you for sharing a bit of your story with me. It's definitely something you can't understand 100% unless you've been through it.
DeleteYou are a rock star for being able to post this aspect of your life. True story really touched me.
ReplyDeleteWow, thank you for that comment!
DeleteI know I am one of the "lucky" ones who has been on the inside of this journey for you and Gary but I just have to say how unbelievably proud I am of you for writing this out and posting it. This has truly been a long and hard journey for you two but you are so amazing and have stuck together through it all rather than letting it consume you and break you apart. I love you both so much (and am so blessed that my little man is such a big part of your lives.)
ReplyDeleteWhy did you have to make me cry?? lol Thank you so much for always being there for me during my journey of life. It was comforting to have your ears to talk to and your shoulder to cry on. You know how I always say that with all the shit Gary & I have been through the past 4 years, we can make it through ANYTHING now!
DeleteHaving B in our lives is the best thing that has happened to Gary & I. The love and joy we get from that little guy fills our hearts with happiness!
Mo, thank you for sharing this! I too have PCOS and understand the frustration and stress it can cause! For years it was difficult for me to wrap my head around that fact that I was able to concieve Gabe, yet since then have had no luck, despite treatments. Of course I am extremely grateful to have my son, but it was very hard to overcome the feelings of failure I had when trying for baby # 2! I put so much pressure on myself, I felt that not only was I letting Jay down, but Gabe as well, not being able to give him the sibling he so wants! But like you, I had to let all that go. I haven't given up hope, however I have decided to just let the chips fall where they may. Is another child in our future? I don't know, maybe, maybe not, but what I do know is that I am so luck to have just one! For years it was hard for me not to feel ashamed, but your openness is inspiring and so very brave! So thank you! <3
ReplyDeleteInfertility is SUCH a confusing thing. I see horrible parents at school every single day and think "why in the world could they conceive when I couldn't?" But I know that things happen for a reason, so I need to find solice in that. Thank you for the love!
DeleteThanks for sharing your story! I just can't imagine having to go through all of that. But I can relate to deciding to remain childless for now. My hubby and I made the decision a few years ago to not have children for a few different reasons. Just even making that decision can be a challenge when everyone around you is having babies! And I must agree, it's so fun to spoil the children in your life (and then send them back home!). We have lots of fun with our 3 little nephews.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I wanted to mention that I just recently found your blog through twitter and have enjoyed reading through some of your past posts. I also nominated you for a Liebster Award. : ) You can read all about it on my blog post here: http://toomanyjarsinmykitchen.com/2012/04/25/double-the-fun-liebster-blog-award/
Hugs. Thank you for being so transparent and sharing this beautiful story with us - I'm sure it was a little tough to open up and be so vulnerable and share all of that. Praying for you - that when the time is right all will be well <3
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. My sister has severe PCOS, and can't get pregnant. On a personal level, I just can't relate (obviously), but hearing from someone who is going through similar struggles helps me understand where she's at, just a little.
ReplyDeleteI don't have words, really, except to say that I admire your strength and honesty.
I know you're pretty up to date on all the nutrition stuff. But just in case you haven't read up on the Paleo/Primal style diet it's supposed to help some people since PCOS has ties to hyperinsulinemia.
ReplyDeleteI recommend reading Robb Wolf's paleo solution book and/or checking out his blog. If you have a kindle I can lend you my copy for free.
My daughters godmother has also gone through all the treatments you went trough and suffers from PCOS.
I know you're pretty up to date on all the nutrition stuff. But just in case you haven't read up on the Paleo/Primal style diet it's supposed to help some people since PCOS has ties to hyperinsulinemia.
ReplyDeleteI recommend reading Robb Wolf's paleo solution book and/or checking out his blog. If you have a kindle I can lend you my copy for free.
My daughters godmother has also gone through all the treatments you went trough and suffers from PCOS.